Success!!

Just wanted to let you loyal blog-readers know that I finally unlocked the two cups in Mariokart!!!

YESS!!! This means I've unlocked all races for all classes of speed! Yes yes yes!!!


I don't know why I threw this in here... It's creepy and has no relevance. Yay for YouTube!

Hey Hey Hey

Well I don't really know what I should write about but I feel like I should write about something, ya know?

I'm not doing my Italy post until I get back home.. The internet here is crappy and when I try to upload photos anywhere it just... doesn't work. Except to Facebook. I can upload to Facebook. WTF, world? Why only Facebook?

Anyways, I've been doing a lot of reading lately. I got a Kindle for Christmas, so yeah you know. Right now I'm reading Angela's Ashes... I already talked about that in an earlier post. Yada yada. It's a really truly amazing book. I'm almost halfway through it and when I'm reading it, you have to do everything in your power to gt me away from it. But while we're on the subject of reading, I think everyone should read this article. It's about the stereotype that bisexuality isn't actually a sexual orientation. I read it and I think it's fabuloso.

SUPERAWESOMECOOL ARTICLE

So yeah, that. Amazing. True. I hate when people say "you're either gay or you're straight and there's no in between... if you consider yourself bi it's just a fad or a phase and you'll get over it." That's stupid and ignorant and quite frankly, offensive. I've had close family members say that, to my face. Of course, I'm not out to them because I don't want to take the teasing but whatever. If they haven't figured it out already that I like boys and girls they're stupid because I'm purposefully dropping hints left and right with everyone I know.

Woah. I just got really lightheaded and felt like I was falling. It's still happening. But I figure I'll write/type my way through it.

On another subject, I've also been playing a lot of Mario Kart lately. I LOVE MARIOKART. Just throwing that out there. But I'm trying to unlock two cups for the 150cc and I CAN'T. And it's killing me and it's frustrating as hell. But I'll keep playing until the day I die... Or my DS stops working.

Last subject: Musica. Oh wow wow. I love music. Duh. Music is about the best thing that ever happened to me. So I thought I'd recommend a few songs today because.. Well I don't know, you should just all enjoy their greatness.

Up Past the Nursery -- Suuns
Angela Surf City -- The Walkmen
Bold With Fire (French Quarter) -- Andrew Jackson Jihad
Yulia -- Wolf Parade
World Sick -- Broken Social Scene
Par avion -- FM Belfast
Solitude is Bliss -- Tame Impala
Collector -- Here We Go Magic

Alright that's enough for today. Read, play, listen, enjoy.

-Ayden

Maybe I'm LookBook Stupid

LookBook might have been the coolest, meanest and stupidest thing ever.

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I post looks and I wait, wait, wait. Do I have to do that begging thing where I go on other peoples page's and comment and ask them to look at mine? I don't know. That just sounds annoying to me. 

Anyways, I guess I'll do a little shameless self-promotion. This is my favorite look of mine. Click it, hype it. Do whatever. I don't care. I just don't want to be INVISIBLE. Tomorrow (or later today) I'll try getting all dressed up and taking some photos. At least the background will be pretty. Oh, Italia.

Neglected

Eh. Yeah. Sorry 'bout that. I really didn't mean to not post for that long. I've been kinda busy and even though blogging had been on my mind that entire time I never actually got around to it.

Well, here I am. I'm in Italy- and it's wonderful. I mean, literally, I never could've imagined how much I love it here. I wish Rachael was here with me. Would make Italy perfect! But anyways, my Italian adventure is for another post... It will be a long one, that I promise.

Tonight is Christmas Eve, tomorrow is Christmas (obviously). It's windy as hell here and all I keep hearing (other than my music) is the sound of the big palm tree outside of the window of the room I'm in cracking and rustling in the wind.

Other than being in Italy and having a great time soaking up a completely different culture, it's been a rough few days/weeks. I'm confused about a lot of things and even though I'm on vacation I can't get any of them off my mind for a period of time. I even dream about the things I'm stressed about in such vivid ways that I wake up and all day the reminder of what my dream was about echoes  and doesn't let me forget. I'm in Italy, I'm away from school and chores and... I just want to relax. But it's like if I forget, even for a moment, I remember and it all comes back and affects me ten fold. I don't know what to do. I'm enjoying Italy fully. But I just wish I had some confidence in what is going on with my life, instead of all this insecurity and doubt.

Gah. I don't even know what I'm saying. I do. Whatever.

So, this is a short and to-the-point post, I think I'll do my fully-fleshed Italian post tomorrow, that way I can include Christmas and all that fun stuff. But I guess I can leave you with one picture (God knows I've got enough of them).

Goodnight loves, hopefully you will sleep better than I know I will tonight.

-Ayden

*PS: forget about the photo, I can't get one to upload right now && I'm feeling a tad bit impatient*

Stranded - The Walkmen

It is a fact...

I'm writing this from my kindle. Gotta love technology today!

So I'm currently reading Angela's Ashes by Frank McCourt. Its wonderful. Makes me cry.

Okay kindle writing is kind of a pain in the arse so I will quit.

Leaving for Italia tomorrow!!!

-Ayden

Rae gets it

Shut Your Eyes (and think of me)

"Shut Your Eyes" by Ayden Molly on LOOKBOOK.nu: 

If it Kills Me

I broke free on a Saturday morning
I put the pedal to the floor
headed north on mills avenue
and listened to the engine roar

my broken house behind me
and good things ahead
a girl named Cathy
wants a little of my time
six cylinders underneath the hood
crashing and kicking
aha!
listen to the engine whine

i am going to make it through this year
if it kills me
i am going to make it though this year
if it kills me

i played video games in a drunken haze
i was seventeen years young
hurt my knuckles punching the machines
the taste of scotch rich on my tongue

and then Cathy showed up
and we hung out
trading swigs from a bottle
all bitter and clean
locking eyes
holding hands
twin high maintenance machines

i am going to make it through this year
if it kills me
i am going to make it though this year
if it kills me

i drove home in the California dusk
i could feel the alcohol inside of me hum
pictured the look on my stepfather's face
ready for the bad things to come
i down shifted
as i pulled into the driveway
the motor screaming out
stuck in second gear
the scene ends badly
as you might imagine
in a cavalcade of anger and fear

there will be feasting and dancing
in Jerusalem next year

i am going to make it through this year
if it kills me
i am going to make it though this year
if it kills me


[Rachael- If you learn it on guitar, I'll learn the piano part. And we can record it]

Fireworks [for Rachael]

I can't lift you up cause my mind is tired, it's family beaches that I desire
That sacred night where we watched the fireworks
They frightened the babies and you know they've got two flashing eyes
And if they are color blind, they make me feel, that you're only what I see sometimes 

lei è l’unica persona che sa come farmi sorridere … anche quando sembra impossibile che

Make The Most

I realized today something really weird that I think is probably true for everyone but I don't think it occurs to most people.

The time that I am calmest, most content, least stressed, etc., is when I'm showering.

Think about it; Life is filled with random crap that keeps you up at night (coming from the girl blogging at eleven...?). Facebook. Friends. Phones. Family. And you're always constantly thinking about them.

At least for me. If I'm not at school, with my friends, I'm with my family or on the internet. And that whole time it's not like I'm really taking any time for me. I'm always thinking about what people think about me or what they're doing or blah blah. And then I go and take a shower... And it's heavenly. Literally. It's like everything quiets, even if for a few minutes. I don't even know, but I wish I could be showering all the time. I think I'd be a much calmer/happier person if I was.

You can probably tell I'm having a hard time. I don't know why. It's been like this for a week or two. I can't sleep. I can't function. I'm frustrated all the time at nothing and no one and I don't know why and I can't make the frustration go away. I'm stressed beyond belief with AP tests and algebra and grades.

It's weird, though. Because none of that is really bugging me, other than the chronic frustration. I got in trouble in conservatory today for slamming my head into the desk... And yesterday, they [11:11 make a wish!] all told me to calm down, over and over again. And that's the ONLY think I want to do, calm the FUCK down.

But I can't because something is really hitting the switch in my brain that screws me up and I wish I knew what it was. And I don't.

Boo. I don't like this entry.

-Ayden

And again.

So it's late at night and I can't sleep. Well, I probably could if I turned off my damn computer. But I felt the need to write so here I am, blogging away with the consequence of only sleeping a few hours until my untimely wake up.

Tomorrow's back to school... This weekend seemed satisfyingly long, I got some shopping done and hung out with my girl.

It's raining again. I know, weird, right? I don't really get it too much, either. But thats the truth and it's a quite interesting one at that. Right now it sounds pretty quiet, just the sound of my keys and my music. So maybe the rain cut off for a bit. Who knows.

My grandpa sent me $20. I got it in the mail yesterday. I'm thankful for the money, I guess. But it would be better if he was actually part of everyone's life instead of just sending me a few bucks a year with a lame Hallmark card and his signature. Is that too much to ask? At least he stopped smoking.

There's about ten billion thoughts in my little brain right now but I can't get them all to stop spinning around for long enough to settle on one to write about. So this might (will) seem a bit random.

I'm stressed. I'm screwing up in school and now I won't be allowed to get my permit. There's hardly six weeks left of the semester and I need to not be failing my math class by then. I've got two tests, one project and a shit-tun of homework over the next two weeks that I'm not looking forward to. But then I'll be in Italy. Not for nearly long enough, but I'll be so far away from everything and that's just what I need. La mia musica, delle sigarette, e il sonno. And then everything will be better.

-Ayden

Title-less

I feel like I'm slamming my head up against a wall, playing this game with you.

Emotions have become invalid to me because they lie- all the time. I feel like I can't trust anyone. I just know how I feel. But even that I'm not sure how much of it is real and how much of it is how I feel because I think it's how I should feel.

I know it's late at night and I shouldn't be doing this much thinking. But in light of my recent panic attack that left my horrified and confused, I feel like I should be considering things.

Like, what am I doing? Falling for you, again? Stupid stupid stupid.

Not you, I guess. It's not your fault I feel how I feel. But I do and I can't stop it- even when I try. It just makes me more miserable.

Music is my vice. I need to let go of all these other wasteful emotions. But then I see your face... And again, I'm back where I started.

I feel like I should be writing this in a foreign language. That way you wouldn't understand it if you read it. I don't want to trouble you.

Oh well.

Change of subject. Rachael made a blog!! Yes. Made my day, I have to tell you. Because now I can connect on a deeper level. Wait. I'm not really sure how blogging is supposed to do that. But I don't know, my blog is pretty damn personal so I guess you never know, huh?

You should follow her blog. She's pretty. http://rachaelsterner.blogspot.com/

Alright, well I'm gonna go listen to some more music and try not to die. Because I almost did. Or at least I think I almost did. And so does Ciara. Oh, how to be sixteen and suffer from severe anxiety disorder!

-Ayden

Turkeys!

Now I will start the cliché Thanksgiving post:

Today, we all need to take some time to reflect on the things we are all thankful for.

I am thankful for:

• My parents
• My brother and sister
• My friends
• Photography
• MUSIC
• The internet
• Strapless bras
• Italy
• Make-up
• My dogs
• The rest of my family
• Rachael Sterner and her odd antics
• Fridays
• Writing
• BOOKS
• Sleep

  And I guess I could go on and on.. There's so many things I'm thankful for and each day is a new adventure and gives me more things to be thankful for.

Anyways, folks, enjoy the day, eat a hell of a lot of food (you know I will) and then join me tomorrow in heavy amounts of exercise!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

-Ayden

Stranger Heart

Well, firstly, I owe an apology.

To anyone that actually follows my blog (hm.. no one?).

These last few weeks have been nothing but hectic and hormonal and insane. Fun, too. But crazy.

I guess I owe it to myself to keep writing. It's good for me. It keeps me thinking, processing, and not dwelling. I'm a dweller. I dwell on things. Stupid things, mostly.

And I'm not going to pretend this is a diary or something and fill you in on the darkest details of the past three/four weeks. I'm not actually going to fill you in on any of the details, other than the fact that I hung out with my friends a lot, met someone really awesome, listened to a lot of music, did a lot of homework and not a lot of sleeping, and make a Tumblr (oh, I know. I'm just as ashamed of myself as you are of me).

Got my passport in the mail today- That's right, I'm leaving for Italy on the 20th of December. I'm pretty stoked, needless to say.

Jeeze, I just realized I haven't said anything about Halloween. Goodness gracious. Well, Halloween this year was definitely the best one I've had in a very long time. And I enjoyed it very much.

Okay, maybe tomorrow I'll write about Thanksgiving and all that other fun stuff, maybe post a playlist or two.

In the meantime, if you're interested in what I'm interested in, here's the link to my Tumblr: CLICK HURR

Alrighty then.

HAVE A HAPPY TURKEY DAY, FRIENDS


-Ayden

me and my girl, we like fries.

Heartbeat City

Where you been darling, darling?

As you magnificently observant blog readers may have noticed, I changed my banner picture. Feel it more accurately represents my personality. Yes, that is correct, I am a murderous psycho-bitch. Take it as it be.

This was the most fantastic weekend of my life. It was the first time I had ever stayed home alone. No, I did not throw a crazy party of the year and have giant orgies. I had my two best friends over and we hung out. And it was the best time I had in a very long time. 

Now I have to look forward to school tomorrow. Ew. But hey, it's life. I got a pretty great weekend. And you sorta got to pay for the great things with making it through the crappy things. 

Friday is Halloween at my school. How would you describe Halloween at Orange County High School of the Arts? Hm. It's a holiday. Bigger than Christmas. Almost as cool as the last day when the seniors display that year's attempt of a senior prank (Class of 2010 still owns). I don't know how it is at normal high schools, but if you don't come dressed up on Halloween, you're considered the weird one. 

Rachael and I have a pretty good idea this year, if I may say so myself. I don't know if we're ever going to actually get it done, considering the fact that we need to have this stuff ready for Friday and we don't have anything we need. I think we're going to this "Halloween Mega Store" that opened up where Circuit City used to be. 

Does anyone know where you can find a top hat?

Okay... Quick music change on the iPod... Now a subject change. Italy is literally calling my name. I'm definitely going over winter break... Unfortuanetly, I don't think Rachael is going to be able to go with me. But once I get a job this summer I'll make sure the two of us are saving up money and maybe the two of us could go after we graduate.

Yes, I wrote that whole thing as if I was talking to Rachael. Prosibly because she's basically the only person that actually reads my blog. And I doubt anyone would contest that.

Okay, I'm getting the Sunday Night Sleepies... I'm going to go lay down and do... something. Eat ice cream. Drink water. I don't know. Sunday Night Sleepy things. 

-Ayden

*No photo ending today... Blogger is being moody. Stupid women.*

Kiss With Open Eyes

Well, today was actually pretty good. I mean, I had fun at school. I know, shocking.

It's a blue day, an easy day, but the thing is I feel accomplished today... I took a much needed nap, finally grasped the concept we're working on in math (almost), and actually made a cylinder on the wheel in ceramics, blindfolded.

It didn't rain nearly enough today- I love the rain. Running in the rain, catching drops on your tounge, or just enjoy the way the cool water runs through my hair down my nose. Maybe if I lived in a rainy place, I wouldn't like the rain as nearly as much as I do, but living in so-Cal, we don't get too much of these storms. And when they do come, it's usually a complete mess (landslides, flooding, car accidents). But for some reason this storm has just been good. There hasn't really been any severe floods, and no landslides because we skipped over fire season. Car accidents is another thing.

Here's a little bit of information about Californians- We're not used to weather, period. When it rains in California, there are three types of people on the freeways: the people who don't know what they're doing and drive too slow, people that don't know what they're doing that drive too fast, and people that do know what they're doing and can drive at the right speed without killing anyone. You just have to adjust.

Oh, one last thing about rain. There's always been something I've wanted to do when it rains, but in my sixteen years of life I have never had the opportunity to experience it; I want to kiss in the rain. *Hint Hint Hint*

Ahem. Anyways. This week just hasn't been bad. I've had some pretty great times with the people I really like and I'm really looking forward to a weekend with the people I really like.

Well, I can't really think of what else to write. About a minute ago I had this idea, but now I can't remember what it was. So I'm going to surf the web a bit longer, maybe make it known to my Facebook friends that "poop" has five different definitions??

Alrighty then.

-Ayden

Not my photo- But beautiful indeed.

Everybody needs a little song...

I don't know if you'll like my taste in music... But I feel you should give everything a chance. Here's some suggestions:

(There's going to be repeats in artists)
(Listed in no particular order- just the order they came up on my iPod!!)

Tighten Up - The Black Keys
Reprise - Grizzly Bear
Don't to Do - Lissy Trullie
The Last Hour - Elliott Smith
The Equaliser - Clinic
Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand
Too Afraid to Love You - The Black Keys
Mi Viejo - Ratatat
Sun Hands - Local Natives
Factory - Band of Horses
Hollywood Bowl - Band of Skulls

While compiling this list, I've decided that once or twice a week I will make a music post, based on a certain theme, mood, or whatever. The songs above are random but they're all pretty fun, I think.

Any suggestions? Go ahead and let me know!! (Comment)

-Ayden

Anticipazione

In about a month and a half, I will be in Italy. Prosibly with my best friend.

Definition of Prosible/Prosibly: (adj.) A combination of the words "probable" and "possibly", meaning that an event or situation is slightly more than probably and slightly less than possible.

(Don't ask, it doesn't make any sense to me either.)(Rachael made it up. Pure brilliance!)

Yes, that is correct. I will definitely be in my favorite country prosibly with my favorite person very very soon.
You have absolutely no idea how excited this makes me.

Every day now is going to be a reminder of how this will be the best Christmas break ever. I don't know how I'm going to be able to stay there for only about ten days... I mean, we're talking about the place I want to live, here!! This will be my first time out of the country ever. I'm super excited to see what people in other countries are like... You can get a taste of other nationalities in America, but I bet it's nothing compared to actually being in another country.

Hmm. I just realized I've said "excited" an awful lot. Sorry, I just don't know what other words to use.

I'm manipulating my insomnia into a writers tool- I'm trying to pull something creative out of my butt.

Not... Literally...

So it's pretty late now, at least for me. I usually go to bed on weekdays between nine and ten. But for some reason, I just can't sleep tonight. Maybe it's because I just right now realized I have two assignments due tomorrow. Fantastic. I'm going to go do those. Crappers. Good night!!

-Ayden

My beautiful best friend Rachael
She's a great model!

Foam Darts & Torn Tights

Yesterday I went to Target with my grandma & siblings. She bought us three foam dart guns (like Nerf guns- but the cheap generic brand kind.)

They are the first guns the three of us have ever had- our mom didn't want to encourage violence around the house, or maybe she just didn't want my sister shooting my brother in the head multiple times until he cried (which she has since done three times.) Needless to say, we were pretty excited. And we have engaged in two wars. We don't really have many darts- Devan and Nolan each get eight, I get nine - and that makes things a little complicated, but these stupid toys have really made my day, to be honest.

Here's my tactics: I keep my gun (and my darts) next to my bed, within reach. When my brother or sister come in uninvited, I shoot them. It works wonders. They stay away.

Second subject. I've recently become obsessed with wearing tights. Maybe it's pure laziness (it's almost winter... I don't want to shave my legs. But I still do. ?) but I like it because they're different. And you can basically wear them with anything- shorts, dresses, skirts, etc. Not really sure what else you could wear them with, but you get my jist.

Third and final subject; Music. I don't know if you've heard of the band Mumford and Sons, but if you haven't, you better break out your iTunes or Vuze or Limewire or whatever you use to get your music. Mumford and Sons is honestly one of the best bands right now. And their new album Sigh No More is absolutely orgasmic for a music lover. Unless you like country music. Then you just need to be shot.

If there's a way for me to embed music on here, someone let me know. I'd love to share!

-Ayden

Photo which has absolutely no relation whatsoever to this blog:

The "Happy Board" at school

(it's supposed to be made of things that make you happy)

Hermit Crabs

Have you ever noticed the people that hide as a job?

And I don't mean under-cover cops or CIA agents... I mean people that hide, in the open, because they just don't know any way else to live.

Sometimes I feel like that. Like I'm hiding under someones nose (not a nice view.)

Theres this stupid little jar I have in my room.. It's a baby food jar, but it's empty (I don't have too many babies to feed.) I loathe the thing. Maybe because it reminds me some much of myself.

It's there. I can see it. I can feel it it my hands. If it were to be dropped, I would hear it hit the ground.

But I can see right through it. Like it's not even there at all. I can look past it and to what's behind it, be it my walls or my Buddha statues.

I'm going to put my rings in it tonight. I never take my rings off, but I don't want the jar to feel alone.

At least it will have something inside it.

-Ayden

this is me

ame

<3

simplicity.

dear world

this is how i discover you

through the viewfinder

it's always a bit easier

through the viewfinder

i'm hiding out because i can
and if i can't see you
i think you can see me

simple hide and seek
if only.

C'era Una Volta

Sto cercando di imparare I'italiano. Cosi va qui nulla.


Carro Vorrei tu sapessi chi sei,


Non riesco a smettere di pensare a te. Quando si parla, continuo desiderano potrai dire qualcosa che voglio sentire. Ma invece, si scompare. Mi chiedo se dovrei dire qualcosa, dirti come mi sento. Ma, chi sto prendendo in giro? Non avrei ma il coraggio di farlo. E 'molto stupido di me, ma voglio essere più che amici. E io non sono sicuro, ma non credo che si sente lo stesso. Credo che l'unica cosa da fare adesso è aspettare e imparare. Potrei imparare che, proprio come flirtare con me, e io non so come avrei fatto che ... Ma posso sempre cercare di essere amici. Oh, come vorrei che tu potessi parlare italiano. 


Cordiali saluti,


Ayden      

YouTube Interview: Evan, Candice & Me

Thank you to Kaytra for letting us be part of your Vlog!!

Saturday (For Devan)

Eeek. What a boring title. Sorry, I'm stuck for an idea.

I'm up in my room on a Saturday (as you could probably guess) afternoon. I feel like I should be doing something but then again... Well, I guess I'm not going to.

To be honest, I've done a lot today. Not anything fun, I promise you. Cleaning cleaning cleaning.

I'm going to do some pilates once my step-dad goes to work... He's hogging the TV. I think I'll play some Wii Sports after that. But, for now, I'm laying on my bed (which is actually still the air mattress from the concert), listening to music, and hanging out with my sister.

Her birthday was on yesterday... My baby sister turned eight years old. Goodness. It's insanity, I swear. I look at her, all tall and lanky and beautiful, and I just don't understand where the years have gone. I used to sit with her on the rocker when she was younger, and read to her and sing to her and rock her to sleep. I used to sleep in her room with her on a mattress on the floor. I used to play house with her and dress up and paint her nails every Saturday. It's insane to think about that. We haven't had time to actually hang out with each other, one on one like that since I started high school. Three years ago. I mean, sure, we spend time together, like we are doing right now. But I look back on the times we were so close... And I just can't believe those times are gone.

I love my sister so much. I asked my mom, for years and years, for a little sister, and when I was eight I got exactly what I wanted. A beautiful little sister who idolized me. I even got lucky and got a little brother who makes everything a little more interesting.

My sister knows how to make my day and make me crazy. She knows me inside out. She knows where I hide things and she knows when I'm upset. She stands up for me when I get in trouble with our parents, and she's willing to try to sneak into my parents room and get my guitar for me when they take it away. We fight all the time, but there's nothing that makes me happier than her smile.

Basically, I love my sister. And even when we're screaming at each other, once we're done fighting I always remind her how much I love her and how I'll always be there for her.

So Devan, if you do end up reading this one day (what a trip that would be!) I hope that I've lived up to your expectations, and that you are happy and successful in your life. I'll always love you more than anything (Well, you and your brother) and if you ever need anything or you just need someone to talk to, know I'm there. Even if I'm not there. I am. I love you.

-Ayden

an old one, but this is from Devan's birthday last year

Unacceptable

The date: Sunday, September 26th, 2010.

The time: 7:30 pm.

The sun had set. I was going to Ralphs to pick up some chips for the dinner.. I don't have a car and, respectively, I can't drive, so I ride my bike down to Ralphs whenever I need anything. It's right down the street from my house so it's no big deal.

Well, California has decided to go through another heat wave. And just a little tidbit of information: When there are heat waves in California, people go insane. I guess it would be worse if it was this insanely hot in Boston or someplace cold, but Californians are already nut-jobs and adding heat to the mixture is just a bad idea all together.

.. Ha, sorry. I got distracted. I'm watching my dad and my uncle play the Playstation Move...

Oh, if only I had my camera on me to get a picture of this. It's fantastic.

Anyways. If you have been watching the news or listening to the radio, you'd hear that today, September 27th 2010, Southern California had record-breaking heats of up to 115 degrees. Average for around this time of year? Mid-seventies, sometimes low eighties. Not to mention last week it was only 78 for most of the week.

This heat is driving everyone insane. I swear. On the car ride home, my dad and I had the windows rolled down (his A/C doesn't work. Well, actually, it does... We're too scared to use it though. It makes weird noises) and we were stuck in traffic. The sun was beating through the windows, and being inside the little truck cab just seemed to amplify every single blade of sunlight. I was drenched in sweat- Literally, I haven't sweat that much.. Ever. It was disgusting. Everyone else on the freeway was either in the same sentiments as us- Not wanting to overheat their car by using the A/C, so sitting on the road with the windows down, feet hanging out and music blasting.

My dad and I were going to walk down to the beach to cool off after we got home (we only live about two blocks away) but once we were inside our house (without A/C as well) and sitting in the shade with all the fans on, there was no way you could get us out.

It's almost ten at night and it's still blistering hot outside. I can't wait for this heat wave to be over.

-Ayden

Just a little picture of my school's "Club Rush"

(The day the heat wave started)

Thriving in Insanity

Some days I wake up and just think, "Well. No plans today."

Okay, that's not "some days" it's most days. And a lot of the time that's really nice. Not having anyone wanting something from you, just being able to kick back and listen to music and browse the web.

And then there's days like today, where I wake up (I shouldn't say in the morning; I woke up officially at two in the afternoon. But then again, I didn't go to sleep until well after three) and refuse to pull myself out of bed, staring at the ceiling, waiting for someone to text me or call me or say "Hey! Let's do something."

My brother and sister are home again... They were at their grandma's this weekend so that my mom could get her homework done. The two of them drive me nuts, but I really don't understand how I could ever live without them. Oh, here's what they look like, for a little tidbit of your information:

Yeah. We go on "photoventures" a lot. I would suggest going on one today, just to get out of the house, but it's about ten million degrees outside and adding the heat to my already low patience level would just lead to some big catastrophe where no one is happy. Wow, gotta love being a teenager.

I really don't think I understand how easy I've got it, though. I mean, having ICD and anxiety really screws with your head, but honestly I have no idea how my parents can do it. I mean, my dad only has to deal with me and my crazy emotional mood swings, but he also works two jobs and sleeps about five hours a day. And my mom and my step dad not only have me, but they have the two little "stink monsters" ^^ up there. And they both work full work days (well, my step dad works graveyard) and my mom also has college.

And somehow, they all manage to stay sane?

Well, God know's I'm screwed for adulthood.

-Ayden

Let Us See

Life about now.. Is crazy.

I know, it's only six weeks into the school year. And here I sit, procrastinating doing my late math homework.

It's not like I have anything against math... Oh no, wait, I definitely do. Math was made up somewhere along the line when they deemed electric chairs and limb stretchers inhumane. So they came up with mathematics. Math is torture that does not screw up your body, it just fucks with your brain. (Pardon my French)

These math teachers stand at the front of the class preaching to the crowds of poor, suffering children/young adults, expecting them to not only understand but to PAY ATTENTION. What can I say? This whole "math requirement" to graduate is a cruel and [un]usual punishment.

And then, these evil creators of torture (so-called "mathematicians") decided to make everyone's life even harder. You want to know what they did this time? They used their insanely confusing brain functions and created the internet. And not too long after that, they created Facebook.

Pure, pure torture. I can just picture my own math teacher, so cool and collected on the outside, sitting at his desk during his student-free period, laughing maniacally as he works on the Facebook subliminal messages, making that stupid webpage more and more addicting as his math assignments grow in length and difficulty. He knows us students have no clue what is n equals, and he also knows that we do not care. So he decides to screw us over by giving us crazy tests that we have no idea how to do and end up FAILING miserably.

I'm not really sure if this makes any sense at all to anyone reading this... I'm multi-tasking as I write this (music, Facebook, math homework) so it's more of a mental explosion on the page. Enjoy this as you sit there attempting to do your own math homework, and realize that your brain is slowly melting out of your ears.

Welcome to the party.

-Ayden

PS- Here's a little picture that somewhat relates to math, but would make everyone's life so much better if math was actually this simple.

Questionable Behavior

A lot of times, I'm asked why I wear a "Jesus bracelet."

Most people who know me know that I am Buddhist, but I do not consider myself religious in any way shape or form. I feel that my Buddhism is more of a way of thinking that teaches me to better myself. In my beliefs, there is no "God" I pray to, no place to go to repent for sins. Buddha, or Siddhartha, was a man, not in any way a celestial being, who learned through suffering and frustration what it meant, to him, to be a better person.

Before we get any crazy religious talk, let me inform you that Siddhartha was raised Hindu. He was a very rich and powerful son of a lord, and had everything his heart desired. But as most people experience, having everything sometimes feels like you have nothing. So he took it upon himself and abandoned his comfortable life in the search of his own true happiness.

Buddhism has nothing to do with God or higher powers. The only person that is the higher power is yourself, and to become a true Buddhist you must realize that you are the only one that can change the way your life is and the outcome of certain things. Praying to an invisible being whom may or may not be there is no guarantee. On the other hand, accepting your flaws and working to make yourself a happier or better person is entirely under your control.

In my "religion," there is no one there holding my hand on the path to happiness. I'm stuck as I am and if I cannot learn how to become satisfied with who I am and what I have, I will never be satisfied with anything I ever earn.

Siddhartha, or Buddha, is a man I look up to. He took what everyone would like of as a perfect life and dumped it out, choosing to live his life in the way that made him happier and more confident of himself. There weren't very many rewards for him- No riches, no palaces, no worship and no cliche perfection. But in the end, when he came to his death, he was able to look back upon his life and think to himself, "You know what? I did good. I didn't have a nice place to live and I'm not rolling in money but I made myself happy and I made other people happy." And that's all that matters.

So, back to the initial question of why I wear a "Jesus bracelet." Want to know the truth? It's because the little Jesus on the bracelet looks like he's flipping you off.

-Ayden

Job Opportunities

It occurred to me today when I was riding the bus home just how desperate the current economic situation is.

I was riding on the bus, as I said. It was already on the freeway, and I was sitting towards the back with my legs propped up on the seat next to me. Some weird guy with a mustache was sitting behind me, and a grounds worker for some city was sitting in front of me. I was listening to my music and staring out the window I was leaning on, looking directly at the ground.

The road was stripped. That is, there were little lines that ran through the concrete the bus drove on. I don't know why this made me think about getting a job, but it did. Those lines screamed to me conformity. They were all parallel to each other, moving side by side down a block of concrete, heading to the same destination and never changing direction. Even when the road curved, these little lines stayed true to their direction. If the road did in fact curve, those lines were replaced by other ones, slightly off the previous ones. Everything kept moving, no matter what.

When the bus finally got off the freeway, I was bombarded by "Going Out of Business" and "Property for Sale" signs. Very few "Now Hiring" signs to be seen everywhere. When I got off the bus, and walked into the nearest 7-11 to meet my dad, the guy behind the counter walked up to me (obviously, there wasn't very many people in the store.)

"You here to apply?" He asked. I was sort of alarmed. I mean, it's not a question people usually start a conversation with.

"For what?" I asked.

"A job. You're young. You look bored. You looking for a job?"

"Oh. No, sorry. I'm waiting for my ride to pick me up."

The guy apologized and turned to walk back to the counter. I walked up and down a few aisles for a bit, waiting for something to catch my eye that I could spend my 57 cents on. To no surprise, there was nothing. I got bored of wandering so I walked back up to the register and put my backpack on the counter.

"Do you get a lot of people in here looking for jobs?" I asked him, playing with the lighters on the counter.

"Sure. I mean, sometimes. Mostly just teens that live around here. There's a lot more job opportunities opened up for teens lately." He stared at my hand as I flicked the lighter on and off. It was making him uncomfortable.

"Why is that?" I noticed his stare, and I put the lighter down, this time picking up a Disney-themed pen.

"Nobody's hiring adults anymore. I guess businesses know that people with more age and more job experience have to be payed more than kids in high school." He kept his eye on the pen this time.

I put the pen back down and leaned my head on my backpack. A bell rang, and someone walked in, two girls about 19 or 20, looking to buy some alcohol.

The guy behind the register straightened up and looked at the girls who walked in. He was going to try some moves on them. He looked back at me and I could see it in his face that I was in his way. "Are you going to buy anything?" He asked, looking away from me and back at the girls. I shook my head no, opening my hand to reveal the whopping half a dollar in change I carried. He looked down and my hand and back at my face, almost as if he was trying to tell if I was serious or not. "Well, then, do you think you could leave? I need to tend to my paying customers."

I pulled my backpack back on and walked out the door, sitting on the post in front.

A few minutes later, the girls walked out, without alcohol. One of them was joking with the other one about the guy behind the counter was hitting on her.

-Ayden

Homework is for Squares

I mean, really.

When teachers assign homework, this is what runs through their mind. And I mean, this is verbatim. I can read minds, for your information.

"Alright students, and here is your homework for tonight..."
Ha, suckers. I've got two whole seasons of Lost to get caught up on. While you're suffering through this ten page reading and two hour question sheet, I'll be analyzing the meaning of the smoke monster and agreeing with Jack when he screams "We have to go back!"
"It shouldn't take you too long if you were paying attention to the lecture today..."
Bulllllshit. I don't even know what I'm talking about.


That's about when my mind reading powers shut off. There comes a point where you just can't take anymore torture.

So, dear teachers. I do so refuse to do my homework. If you refuse to actually read what I wrote, I shall write nothing. See, we sassy people make the world go round.

Take it!

-Ayden

15 Reasons 9/18 Was the Best Day of My Life

1. Ciara likes Girls. A lot. She really likes Girls. She would bang them all if she could. She thinks they're all so hot.

2. "I wish I had a pizza and a bottle of wine."

3. Carrying a full air mattress upstairs.

5. "She was on the wrong P2."

6. "WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?" ("A double rainbow!")

7. Feeling like a caged animal.

8. Giving a crack-whore all the rest of our money.

9. Phoenix.

10. "They're so French. They even sang in French. That's so French."

11. The daddy-longlegs on my door. ("It likes your posters!")

12. "Who wants to go to Scary Church instead of IHOP?"

13. "Reach out and touch me I'M RIGHT HERE!"

14. "This French song is making me feel nostalgic."

15. "Why'd they get off stage?" "I think they're going to be lowered on wires." "And then explode?" "Well, a phoenix is technically a firebird, so yeah I guess that makes sense."

-Ayden

The Fly Behind Your Ear

I kid you not, there was an actual fly behind my ear. Until I remembered I didn't have any hair to be tickling me, and I swatted it dead.

So, day 2, blog 2. Attempt #2?

My life is going as smoothly as possible- If by smooth I meant filled with insane amounts of homework, catching buses at 6:18 in the morning, and sleeping two hours every night. But hey, back to school, back to shit sleep and never eating. Back to school until five in the afternoon, home at seven and homework until nine, squeezing dinner and a shower somewhere in that two hour time gap. Back to procrastination and exaggeration, drama and yawns.

Alright, I'm out for the night. Before my mom takes away my computer.

Goodnight!

-Ayden

Blogging?

Okay, I really don't know what I'm doing.

Hope that caught your attention.

So I'm Ayden, I'm sixteen and I'm a junior in high school.

Why did I make a blog? Because It's the modern day version of a diary. Because I'm a struggling author and my father says keeping a blog will keep me writing everyday.

Yeah, so I really have no clue. But I feel like even though I don't think I have anything important to say, maybe something I say will speak to some random person out there on the internet, and make their day. Or make them feel better about something. Or make them feel like their not alone.

That's truly my only goal. Whenever I'm dealing with my depression or anything else, I feel very alone. And so now, feeling better and determined, I feel like it's my task to make sure that other people know that they really aren't alone.

So yeah, I'm here. I'll be filling you in on my boring days and maybe telling you some things I've learned. Which is rare, so don't worry. I'm not a teacher or something.

Okay, I'll stop rambling.

Happy Tuesday!!

-Ayden