Success!!

Just wanted to let you loyal blog-readers know that I finally unlocked the two cups in Mariokart!!!

YESS!!! This means I've unlocked all races for all classes of speed! Yes yes yes!!!


I don't know why I threw this in here... It's creepy and has no relevance. Yay for YouTube!

Hey Hey Hey

Well I don't really know what I should write about but I feel like I should write about something, ya know?

I'm not doing my Italy post until I get back home.. The internet here is crappy and when I try to upload photos anywhere it just... doesn't work. Except to Facebook. I can upload to Facebook. WTF, world? Why only Facebook?

Anyways, I've been doing a lot of reading lately. I got a Kindle for Christmas, so yeah you know. Right now I'm reading Angela's Ashes... I already talked about that in an earlier post. Yada yada. It's a really truly amazing book. I'm almost halfway through it and when I'm reading it, you have to do everything in your power to gt me away from it. But while we're on the subject of reading, I think everyone should read this article. It's about the stereotype that bisexuality isn't actually a sexual orientation. I read it and I think it's fabuloso.

SUPERAWESOMECOOL ARTICLE

So yeah, that. Amazing. True. I hate when people say "you're either gay or you're straight and there's no in between... if you consider yourself bi it's just a fad or a phase and you'll get over it." That's stupid and ignorant and quite frankly, offensive. I've had close family members say that, to my face. Of course, I'm not out to them because I don't want to take the teasing but whatever. If they haven't figured it out already that I like boys and girls they're stupid because I'm purposefully dropping hints left and right with everyone I know.

Woah. I just got really lightheaded and felt like I was falling. It's still happening. But I figure I'll write/type my way through it.

On another subject, I've also been playing a lot of Mario Kart lately. I LOVE MARIOKART. Just throwing that out there. But I'm trying to unlock two cups for the 150cc and I CAN'T. And it's killing me and it's frustrating as hell. But I'll keep playing until the day I die... Or my DS stops working.

Last subject: Musica. Oh wow wow. I love music. Duh. Music is about the best thing that ever happened to me. So I thought I'd recommend a few songs today because.. Well I don't know, you should just all enjoy their greatness.

Up Past the Nursery -- Suuns
Angela Surf City -- The Walkmen
Bold With Fire (French Quarter) -- Andrew Jackson Jihad
Yulia -- Wolf Parade
World Sick -- Broken Social Scene
Par avion -- FM Belfast
Solitude is Bliss -- Tame Impala
Collector -- Here We Go Magic

Alright that's enough for today. Read, play, listen, enjoy.

-Ayden

Maybe I'm LookBook Stupid

LookBook might have been the coolest, meanest and stupidest thing ever.

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I post looks and I wait, wait, wait. Do I have to do that begging thing where I go on other peoples page's and comment and ask them to look at mine? I don't know. That just sounds annoying to me. 

Anyways, I guess I'll do a little shameless self-promotion. This is my favorite look of mine. Click it, hype it. Do whatever. I don't care. I just don't want to be INVISIBLE. Tomorrow (or later today) I'll try getting all dressed up and taking some photos. At least the background will be pretty. Oh, Italia.

Neglected

Eh. Yeah. Sorry 'bout that. I really didn't mean to not post for that long. I've been kinda busy and even though blogging had been on my mind that entire time I never actually got around to it.

Well, here I am. I'm in Italy- and it's wonderful. I mean, literally, I never could've imagined how much I love it here. I wish Rachael was here with me. Would make Italy perfect! But anyways, my Italian adventure is for another post... It will be a long one, that I promise.

Tonight is Christmas Eve, tomorrow is Christmas (obviously). It's windy as hell here and all I keep hearing (other than my music) is the sound of the big palm tree outside of the window of the room I'm in cracking and rustling in the wind.

Other than being in Italy and having a great time soaking up a completely different culture, it's been a rough few days/weeks. I'm confused about a lot of things and even though I'm on vacation I can't get any of them off my mind for a period of time. I even dream about the things I'm stressed about in such vivid ways that I wake up and all day the reminder of what my dream was about echoes  and doesn't let me forget. I'm in Italy, I'm away from school and chores and... I just want to relax. But it's like if I forget, even for a moment, I remember and it all comes back and affects me ten fold. I don't know what to do. I'm enjoying Italy fully. But I just wish I had some confidence in what is going on with my life, instead of all this insecurity and doubt.

Gah. I don't even know what I'm saying. I do. Whatever.

So, this is a short and to-the-point post, I think I'll do my fully-fleshed Italian post tomorrow, that way I can include Christmas and all that fun stuff. But I guess I can leave you with one picture (God knows I've got enough of them).

Goodnight loves, hopefully you will sleep better than I know I will tonight.

-Ayden

*PS: forget about the photo, I can't get one to upload right now && I'm feeling a tad bit impatient*

Stranded - The Walkmen

It is a fact...

I'm writing this from my kindle. Gotta love technology today!

So I'm currently reading Angela's Ashes by Frank McCourt. Its wonderful. Makes me cry.

Okay kindle writing is kind of a pain in the arse so I will quit.

Leaving for Italia tomorrow!!!

-Ayden

Rae gets it

Shut Your Eyes (and think of me)

"Shut Your Eyes" by Ayden Molly on LOOKBOOK.nu: 

If it Kills Me

I broke free on a Saturday morning
I put the pedal to the floor
headed north on mills avenue
and listened to the engine roar

my broken house behind me
and good things ahead
a girl named Cathy
wants a little of my time
six cylinders underneath the hood
crashing and kicking
aha!
listen to the engine whine

i am going to make it through this year
if it kills me
i am going to make it though this year
if it kills me

i played video games in a drunken haze
i was seventeen years young
hurt my knuckles punching the machines
the taste of scotch rich on my tongue

and then Cathy showed up
and we hung out
trading swigs from a bottle
all bitter and clean
locking eyes
holding hands
twin high maintenance machines

i am going to make it through this year
if it kills me
i am going to make it though this year
if it kills me

i drove home in the California dusk
i could feel the alcohol inside of me hum
pictured the look on my stepfather's face
ready for the bad things to come
i down shifted
as i pulled into the driveway
the motor screaming out
stuck in second gear
the scene ends badly
as you might imagine
in a cavalcade of anger and fear

there will be feasting and dancing
in Jerusalem next year

i am going to make it through this year
if it kills me
i am going to make it though this year
if it kills me


[Rachael- If you learn it on guitar, I'll learn the piano part. And we can record it]

Fireworks [for Rachael]

I can't lift you up cause my mind is tired, it's family beaches that I desire
That sacred night where we watched the fireworks
They frightened the babies and you know they've got two flashing eyes
And if they are color blind, they make me feel, that you're only what I see sometimes 

lei è l’unica persona che sa come farmi sorridere … anche quando sembra impossibile che

Make The Most

I realized today something really weird that I think is probably true for everyone but I don't think it occurs to most people.

The time that I am calmest, most content, least stressed, etc., is when I'm showering.

Think about it; Life is filled with random crap that keeps you up at night (coming from the girl blogging at eleven...?). Facebook. Friends. Phones. Family. And you're always constantly thinking about them.

At least for me. If I'm not at school, with my friends, I'm with my family or on the internet. And that whole time it's not like I'm really taking any time for me. I'm always thinking about what people think about me or what they're doing or blah blah. And then I go and take a shower... And it's heavenly. Literally. It's like everything quiets, even if for a few minutes. I don't even know, but I wish I could be showering all the time. I think I'd be a much calmer/happier person if I was.

You can probably tell I'm having a hard time. I don't know why. It's been like this for a week or two. I can't sleep. I can't function. I'm frustrated all the time at nothing and no one and I don't know why and I can't make the frustration go away. I'm stressed beyond belief with AP tests and algebra and grades.

It's weird, though. Because none of that is really bugging me, other than the chronic frustration. I got in trouble in conservatory today for slamming my head into the desk... And yesterday, they [11:11 make a wish!] all told me to calm down, over and over again. And that's the ONLY think I want to do, calm the FUCK down.

But I can't because something is really hitting the switch in my brain that screws me up and I wish I knew what it was. And I don't.

Boo. I don't like this entry.

-Ayden

And again.

So it's late at night and I can't sleep. Well, I probably could if I turned off my damn computer. But I felt the need to write so here I am, blogging away with the consequence of only sleeping a few hours until my untimely wake up.

Tomorrow's back to school... This weekend seemed satisfyingly long, I got some shopping done and hung out with my girl.

It's raining again. I know, weird, right? I don't really get it too much, either. But thats the truth and it's a quite interesting one at that. Right now it sounds pretty quiet, just the sound of my keys and my music. So maybe the rain cut off for a bit. Who knows.

My grandpa sent me $20. I got it in the mail yesterday. I'm thankful for the money, I guess. But it would be better if he was actually part of everyone's life instead of just sending me a few bucks a year with a lame Hallmark card and his signature. Is that too much to ask? At least he stopped smoking.

There's about ten billion thoughts in my little brain right now but I can't get them all to stop spinning around for long enough to settle on one to write about. So this might (will) seem a bit random.

I'm stressed. I'm screwing up in school and now I won't be allowed to get my permit. There's hardly six weeks left of the semester and I need to not be failing my math class by then. I've got two tests, one project and a shit-tun of homework over the next two weeks that I'm not looking forward to. But then I'll be in Italy. Not for nearly long enough, but I'll be so far away from everything and that's just what I need. La mia musica, delle sigarette, e il sonno. And then everything will be better.

-Ayden

Title-less

I feel like I'm slamming my head up against a wall, playing this game with you.

Emotions have become invalid to me because they lie- all the time. I feel like I can't trust anyone. I just know how I feel. But even that I'm not sure how much of it is real and how much of it is how I feel because I think it's how I should feel.

I know it's late at night and I shouldn't be doing this much thinking. But in light of my recent panic attack that left my horrified and confused, I feel like I should be considering things.

Like, what am I doing? Falling for you, again? Stupid stupid stupid.

Not you, I guess. It's not your fault I feel how I feel. But I do and I can't stop it- even when I try. It just makes me more miserable.

Music is my vice. I need to let go of all these other wasteful emotions. But then I see your face... And again, I'm back where I started.

I feel like I should be writing this in a foreign language. That way you wouldn't understand it if you read it. I don't want to trouble you.

Oh well.

Change of subject. Rachael made a blog!! Yes. Made my day, I have to tell you. Because now I can connect on a deeper level. Wait. I'm not really sure how blogging is supposed to do that. But I don't know, my blog is pretty damn personal so I guess you never know, huh?

You should follow her blog. She's pretty. http://rachaelsterner.blogspot.com/

Alright, well I'm gonna go listen to some more music and try not to die. Because I almost did. Or at least I think I almost did. And so does Ciara. Oh, how to be sixteen and suffer from severe anxiety disorder!

-Ayden