Rae gets it

Shut Your Eyes (and think of me)

"Shut Your Eyes" by Ayden Molly on LOOKBOOK.nu: 

If it Kills Me

I broke free on a Saturday morning
I put the pedal to the floor
headed north on mills avenue
and listened to the engine roar

my broken house behind me
and good things ahead
a girl named Cathy
wants a little of my time
six cylinders underneath the hood
crashing and kicking
aha!
listen to the engine whine

i am going to make it through this year
if it kills me
i am going to make it though this year
if it kills me

i played video games in a drunken haze
i was seventeen years young
hurt my knuckles punching the machines
the taste of scotch rich on my tongue

and then Cathy showed up
and we hung out
trading swigs from a bottle
all bitter and clean
locking eyes
holding hands
twin high maintenance machines

i am going to make it through this year
if it kills me
i am going to make it though this year
if it kills me

i drove home in the California dusk
i could feel the alcohol inside of me hum
pictured the look on my stepfather's face
ready for the bad things to come
i down shifted
as i pulled into the driveway
the motor screaming out
stuck in second gear
the scene ends badly
as you might imagine
in a cavalcade of anger and fear

there will be feasting and dancing
in Jerusalem next year

i am going to make it through this year
if it kills me
i am going to make it though this year
if it kills me


[Rachael- If you learn it on guitar, I'll learn the piano part. And we can record it]

Fireworks [for Rachael]

I can't lift you up cause my mind is tired, it's family beaches that I desire
That sacred night where we watched the fireworks
They frightened the babies and you know they've got two flashing eyes
And if they are color blind, they make me feel, that you're only what I see sometimes 

lei è l’unica persona che sa come farmi sorridere … anche quando sembra impossibile che

Make The Most

I realized today something really weird that I think is probably true for everyone but I don't think it occurs to most people.

The time that I am calmest, most content, least stressed, etc., is when I'm showering.

Think about it; Life is filled with random crap that keeps you up at night (coming from the girl blogging at eleven...?). Facebook. Friends. Phones. Family. And you're always constantly thinking about them.

At least for me. If I'm not at school, with my friends, I'm with my family or on the internet. And that whole time it's not like I'm really taking any time for me. I'm always thinking about what people think about me or what they're doing or blah blah. And then I go and take a shower... And it's heavenly. Literally. It's like everything quiets, even if for a few minutes. I don't even know, but I wish I could be showering all the time. I think I'd be a much calmer/happier person if I was.

You can probably tell I'm having a hard time. I don't know why. It's been like this for a week or two. I can't sleep. I can't function. I'm frustrated all the time at nothing and no one and I don't know why and I can't make the frustration go away. I'm stressed beyond belief with AP tests and algebra and grades.

It's weird, though. Because none of that is really bugging me, other than the chronic frustration. I got in trouble in conservatory today for slamming my head into the desk... And yesterday, they [11:11 make a wish!] all told me to calm down, over and over again. And that's the ONLY think I want to do, calm the FUCK down.

But I can't because something is really hitting the switch in my brain that screws me up and I wish I knew what it was. And I don't.

Boo. I don't like this entry.

-Ayden

And again.

So it's late at night and I can't sleep. Well, I probably could if I turned off my damn computer. But I felt the need to write so here I am, blogging away with the consequence of only sleeping a few hours until my untimely wake up.

Tomorrow's back to school... This weekend seemed satisfyingly long, I got some shopping done and hung out with my girl.

It's raining again. I know, weird, right? I don't really get it too much, either. But thats the truth and it's a quite interesting one at that. Right now it sounds pretty quiet, just the sound of my keys and my music. So maybe the rain cut off for a bit. Who knows.

My grandpa sent me $20. I got it in the mail yesterday. I'm thankful for the money, I guess. But it would be better if he was actually part of everyone's life instead of just sending me a few bucks a year with a lame Hallmark card and his signature. Is that too much to ask? At least he stopped smoking.

There's about ten billion thoughts in my little brain right now but I can't get them all to stop spinning around for long enough to settle on one to write about. So this might (will) seem a bit random.

I'm stressed. I'm screwing up in school and now I won't be allowed to get my permit. There's hardly six weeks left of the semester and I need to not be failing my math class by then. I've got two tests, one project and a shit-tun of homework over the next two weeks that I'm not looking forward to. But then I'll be in Italy. Not for nearly long enough, but I'll be so far away from everything and that's just what I need. La mia musica, delle sigarette, e il sonno. And then everything will be better.

-Ayden

Title-less

I feel like I'm slamming my head up against a wall, playing this game with you.

Emotions have become invalid to me because they lie- all the time. I feel like I can't trust anyone. I just know how I feel. But even that I'm not sure how much of it is real and how much of it is how I feel because I think it's how I should feel.

I know it's late at night and I shouldn't be doing this much thinking. But in light of my recent panic attack that left my horrified and confused, I feel like I should be considering things.

Like, what am I doing? Falling for you, again? Stupid stupid stupid.

Not you, I guess. It's not your fault I feel how I feel. But I do and I can't stop it- even when I try. It just makes me more miserable.

Music is my vice. I need to let go of all these other wasteful emotions. But then I see your face... And again, I'm back where I started.

I feel like I should be writing this in a foreign language. That way you wouldn't understand it if you read it. I don't want to trouble you.

Oh well.

Change of subject. Rachael made a blog!! Yes. Made my day, I have to tell you. Because now I can connect on a deeper level. Wait. I'm not really sure how blogging is supposed to do that. But I don't know, my blog is pretty damn personal so I guess you never know, huh?

You should follow her blog. She's pretty. http://rachaelsterner.blogspot.com/

Alright, well I'm gonna go listen to some more music and try not to die. Because I almost did. Or at least I think I almost did. And so does Ciara. Oh, how to be sixteen and suffer from severe anxiety disorder!

-Ayden